Haven't we suffered enough?
I'm sorry to add more negativity to an already terrible year- but in my defense, I'm writing all of this with a sense of humor. I hope you find a couple of laughs within these reviews.
I can't imagine many of you will be into the songs below, but if you are, try not to take it too hard.
(Watch out for my Favourite Music of 2020 list coming tomorrow..)
#10- "I Wanna Kiss Bob Dylan"
By Rita Wilson
For anyone who isn't familiar with Wilson (I don't blame you)- she's an actress, country artist, and is married to Tom Hanks. This music video was released a few days before Christmas, where Wilson describes her supposed soul-connection to superstar folk singer Bob Dylan. I'm assuming this was an attempt to explore the idolizing, romantic pull you feel towards a musician whose music you connect strongly with- but it just comes across as an extremely out-of-touch sexual fantasy about the ageing rock star.
"I wanna kiss Bob Dylan/ In a doorway standing in the moonlight/ Would it taste so sad/ Like his songs I'm hearing."
This is real. Seriously.
Besides the overall creepiness of the track, it's well produced and is a pretty solid country song, so that's why it landed at last place on this list. The music video is also technically well done, visually at least- but it's one of the corniest things I've ever seen, and when backed with Wilson's vocals about loving tenderly on Dylan, it makes for quite the otherworldly experience.
"Would he feel my love/ Would he burn it down/ Would he make me queen of his make believe town/ Would it hurt so good/ When he says goodbye/ Sayin' I'll be in your dreams if you'll be in mine."
I haven't laughed so hard at a song in ages. I just hope Hanks is cool with being cucked by Bob Dylan, since his wife is begging for it, apparently.
#9- "ID", A Tribute to George Floyd
By David Guetta
Oh my lord, this is so bad.
Amongst the crowds of inauthentic posts and performative activism that flooded the internet in the weeks after George Floyd's passing, we were graced with this unbelievably cringe-inducing moment from.. David Guetta?
I don't know much about the French DJ, so maybe there's a slight language barrier here, but this live tribute to the late Floyd and his family is so hilariously tone deaf. Not only does he end his dedication by saying, "So, shoutout to his family", but the song begins with a remixed sample of Martin Luther King Jr.'s "I Have A Dream" speech.
You can't make this up.
Okay, okay- I know he's obnoxious on purpose. That doesn't mean I can't hate him though.
I don't know what kind of person listens to 6ix9ine, but I can't imagine their ears are doing very well. His voice is so grating, I swear he gives me migraines, and it doesn't get better with "GOOBA".
Although this is a terrible song, you can't say 6ix9ine is inauthentic. This video is absolutely ridiculous, but, like.. a little bit fun. A little bit.
"Are you dumb, stupid, or dumb?"
#7- "my ex's best friend"
By Machine Gun Kelly & blackbear
These two 30 year-old men teamed up to whine about not being allowed to sleep with their ex's friend like some long-forgotten 2000s emo boy band. It's mediocre and incredibly forgettable, like a soggy saltine cracker.
It sucks. That's it.
#6- "Dirty Little Virus"
By Iggy Pop
What in the world makes a person believe a COVID-19 themed song is a good idea?
Oh Iggy, just stop already. The ageing punk singer sounds like a scratchy cowboy layered on top of some confusing horns, drums, and whatever that duck-sounding noise is? It's a strange song, which oddly enough, actually turns out is pretty fitting for 2020.
"COVID-19 is on the scene/ The boys and the girls can't stop their world/ Grandfather's dead, got drunk instead/ Oh what a crime, I'm losing my mind."
Also, there's this particularly creepy line around the middle:
"She's only 19, but she can kill ya/ She ain't my type, but it is what it is."
Ew, Iggy. As if our souls weren't crushed enough already.
#5- "I Love My Country"
By Florida Georgia Line
If this is being American, oh my god, I'm so glad I'm Canadian.
There's something about Florida Georgia Line's music that makes me want to tear my skin off- and "I Love My Country" is something special, alright.
This whole 'proud to be a redneck cowboy' thing creeps me out. Not only is this video chock-full of every stereotypical backwoods American you can think of, but (shockingly) there's one, maybe two people who aren't white in this uncomfortable mash-up of patriotic country bumpkins.
Also- like, read the room? This song, in 2020? Dude.
"I love my country/ I love my country/ Six strings and fiddles/ Whiskey from Kentucky/ We keep it funky/ We like how it sounds/ Monday to Sunday/ Yeah, I love my country."
I find this song replaying in my head while I'm trying to sleep, and no amount of screaming drowns it out.
#4- "Fresh Outta London"
I'm not saying his name. Whether it's negative or positive, the man breathes attention. I feel guilty for even including him. If I can ask for anything from you all, it's that you don't give this loser any more views.
The man that made millions begging his child audience to buy over-priced merch and join gambling sites spends the two and a-half minutes flexing about women, his amateur boxing career, and his big boy expensive accessories.
To title your cash-grab ego trip after one of the most iconic hip hop songs of all time is just reprehensible. The world was a better place before this existed.
#3- "BIG MAGA STEPPIN"
By Lil Pump
Not only is this literally unlistenable, but it's just one and a-half minutes of the mediocre Soundcloud rapper sucking up to a President who doesn't even know his name.
(Cite when Lil Pump was brought on stage at a rally by Trump and misnamed as "Little Pimp".)
#2- "Stand and Deliver"
By Eric Clapton & Van Morrison
Ahh, yes. More ageing rock stars attempting to revive their careers with pandemic themed singles- except this time, it's anti-science.
The duo rant about America being 'free', letting 'fear' get the best of you, and comparing wearing masks and lockdowns to slavery. Nice one, buds. This is definitely a dangerous message to spread, but at least the two of them will go down in history as a pair of buffoons.
"Stand and deliver/ You let them put the fear on you/ Stand and deliver/ But not a word you heard was true/ But if there's nothing you can say/ There may be nothing you can do."
I mean, I guess I have to thank the "Brown Eyed Girl" singer and The Clap for showing us just how idiotic and pro-ignorance they actually are by releasing this, although it will ultimately stain all of their previous classics.
By Justin Bieber
If this wins the Grammy, I'm moving to Mars.